You Have Failed At Life

There are a myriad of reasons why Alex Rodriguez could be the subject of this week's 'You Have Failed At Life', up to and including: His postseason 'performances', his record contract, his getting caught using steroids, his pathetic attempt at explaining getting caught using steroids, and on and on. But alas, it takes a special kind of stupid for him to actually end up here.

During A-Fraud's supposed explanation of how his steroid use went down, he fingered his 'cousin' Yuri Sucart as the man who bought and injected the steroids. You would think, then, that after such an explanation and the level of involvement of Sucart, that A-Fraud might want to steer clear of him for a while. You would think wrong.

A-Rod, fresh from hitting a home run in the Yankee's first Spring Training game, was seen getting picked up and leaving the field after the game with Yuri Sucart. Hey A-Roid? You might want to let Sucart lay low for a while, especially considering you have a meeting with MLB about your steroid use coming up.

Alex Rodriguez, You Have Failed At Life.

You Have Failed At Life

This is a particularly early-week entry for my weekly feature You Have Failed At Life, mostly due to the complete and utter incompetence of this week's feature. See video below:

Yup, that would be an NFL quarterback not paying attention and accidentally running out of the back of the end zone for a safety. For those of you not in the know, a safety is wroth two points. Also for those of you not in the know, the Vikings won this game 12-10. Yes, that safety ended up being the difference in this game.

Dan Orlovsky: You Have Failed At Life (Though i thank you for giving the Vikings the win...)

You Have Failed At Life

Again, an easy pick this week for the feature. It's not hard to choose someone when they've just been found guilty on 12 counts ranging from armed robbery to kidnapping to assault. I'm not going to get into whether or not this may have been a make-up call from his murder trial 11 years ago. Everyone already has their own thoughts on this. That said, it was proven 11 years ago that The Juice was at best a shady character, and this trial just confirmed it. Enjoy your time behind bars OJ, you may be there a while...

OJ Simpson: You Have Failed At Life

You Have Failed At Life

We have another NFL firing today, the second in two days following Scott Linehan's departure from the St. Louis Rams. This one surprises no one, except for maybe how long it took for the actual firing. Lane Kiffin was fired from the Oakland Raiders today. Finally.

Now i actually don't think Kiffin is a bad coach. He didn't have much to work with last year, and while the team hasn't had much success this year yet either, they're been playing fairly well for him. And, you know, it doesn't exactly build continuity or goodwill when you fire a Head Coach after just 20 games...

The Raiders are turning into a complete joke of a franchise, and as one local sports radio host puts it, "The Raiders will never win anything again until Al Davis is dead". Well alrighty then.

Scary pic huh?

Oh, and just for good measure, Davis is claiming he will not be honoring the remainder of Kiffin's contract.

Al Davis: You Have Failed At Life

You Have Failed At Life

This week's Life Failure is pretty much a no-brainer. In fact, at any time since i started this feature he could have been the star. Instead, i waited until the man finally, mercifully, got shit-canned from his job as GM of the Detroit Lions. It was a job he was monumentally horrible at, to the tune of leading his team to a 31-84 record since 2001, when he took over the team. That is, not surprisingly, the worst record in the NFL in that time, with 10 more losses than any other team during that stretch. 

Matt Millen: You Have Failed At Life

You Have Failed At Life

Wow, i don't even know where to being this week with people who have failed at life. So many people to choose from...

First off is the story of Tatum Bell, ex-RB of the Detroit Lions. Bell was released from the Lions after they signed RB Rudi Johnson, and apparently was a tad disgruntled. While Johnson was in the coaches office agreeing to terms on a contract, Bell stole Johnson's luggage while it sat outside the office.

I first saw that story last night, and Bell was a lock to be featured in this week's column. That was until i got to work today and i saw the following story. While attending the NBA Rookie Symposium in Rye Brook, NY, former Kansas University standouts and NCAA Tourney Heroes Darrell Arthur and Mario Chalmers were caught with marijuana in their hotel room they were sharing. Both were sent home from the Symposium, in which new NBA players are taught how to adjust to NBA life, how to manage their money, and how to stay out of trouble, among other things.

Arthur and Chalmers, per League policy, will be required to attend the session again next year, and there are rumors they may start the season on the Suspended List as well. They are also both $20,000 lighter in the pockets thanks to their toking.

Call me strange, but a place where you are learning how to be a good citizen isn't the best place to bring a bag of weed.

Darrell Arthur and Mario Chalmers: You Have Failed At Life.

You Have Failed At Life

This one needs no lead-up, no explanation, nothing. Just the story. Chad Johnson, who would already be perfect for this feature for a multitude of other reasons (including just the picture below alone), has officially changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco.
Chad Johnson, You Have Failed At Life...

You Have Failed At Life

This week's winner (loser) of my You Have Failed At Life feature is none other than:

You've probably heard by now that the LPGA is requiring all players to learn English by the end of 2009 or face losing their tour card. While i can understand (sort of) their interest in having their players know the language, it still seems a bit harsh. Not exactly a beaming declaration of the support of diversity...

LPGA, You Have Failed At Life.

You Have Failed At Life

Sometimes the posts write themselves...

From Sign On San Diego, via Deadspin:

"(Khalil) Greene said after the 7-3 defeat to the Diamondbacks that he was in "excruciating pain" after fouling a ball off his shin during the seventh inning. After the at-bat ended with Greene's 100th strikeout, Greene went to clubhouse tunnel. There, Greene said, his frustration got the best of him and he drove his left hand into a storage chest."

And, predictably, he broke it and is out for the season. I didn't know losing to the Dbacks could cause such vitriol...
Khalil Greene, You Have Failed At Life.

Although you do get bonus credits for looking exactly like this guy:

Ohhh, gnarly!

You Have Failed At Life

And now it's time for another almost weekly feature, You Have Failed At Life.

It's already made the rounds on all the major websites, AA was the first place i saw it, but there was a pretty major brawl in a Minor League baseball game last night between the Dayton Dragons (Cincinnati Reds Class A affiliate) and the Peoria Chiefs (Cubs affiliate).

The brawl resulted in 17 ejections (eventually overruled so they could finish the game. Don't ask.), a broken leg for one of the Peoria players, and oh yeah, a fan taken to the hospital due to an errant throw towards the Dayton dugout by Peoria pitcher Julio Castillo. Check the video below for the thrown ball (you'll see the throw at about the :22 second mark), and then the Dayton player jumping on Castillo's back immediately after.



As stated above, Castillo's throw completely missed the dugout and hit a fan (in the head) in the stands who was there with his wife and kids. Notice where Castillo throws the ball from though: Well inside the third base line. Which means he couldn't have been more than 15-20 feet from the dugout. Some control he has. Hey Rick Ankiel, it may be time to start thinking about another career...

Brawls happen, but because the accuracy of Mr. Castillo was so bad from such a short distance, he has earned this week's award.

Julio Castillo, You Have Failed At Life.

(All kidding aside, we hope the fan who got hit is ok...)

You Have Failed At Life

Wow, i decide to put up my first 'winner' of this award this morning before taking a look around the intrawebs, and when i do i find another 'worthy' candidate for this award. So, without further adu, introducing our second winner: Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson. Yeah, that guy from the UFC who lost to Forrest Griffin at UFC 86 just 11 days ago.

So the story goes: Rampage was apparently involved in an accident that blew his tire, but fled the scene. He then drove erratically, at points on sidewalks causing pedestrians to 'dive out of the way', was chased by the police, and was eventually pulled over and arrested at gunpoint.

Now, all of this seems fairly routine, and wouldn't normally be enough to qualify one for this prestigious award. However, there are two mitigating factors here that pushed him over the edge.

One, alcohol and drugs were not, i repeat NOT, a contributing factor to any of this. Who does this sober?

Two, and my favorite part, it's kind of hard to get away with a hit and run and a police chase when you are driving a truck with your picture ON THE SIDE OF THE TRUCK:

Rampage Jackson: You have failed at life.

(H/T to Deadspin)

You Have Failed At Life

So i introduced this new feature a few weeks back, but as of yet haven't highlighted any 'winners' of this yet. That ends today. This weeks title bearer is:


For the uninformed, that is is Florida Marlin's second baseman Dan Uggla. While putting together a solid season (.286 BA, 23 home runs, 59 RBI's), and being selected to his second all-star game this season, it may be hard to point to Dan Uggla as a failure.

Then again, you only need to look at last night's all-star game to figure out why i am making him my inaugural selection. Let's take a look at his line last night:

0-4 with 3 strike outs, 1 Ground into double play, and 6 men left on base.

Yikes.

Oh, and let's not forget about his 3 errors in the field.

Let's delve a little deeper. Uggla, with his 6 men left on base, led both teams in that category. He is one of only two people (Carlos Quentin the other) who had more than 3 plate appearances with no hit. In the 10th inning, with men on first and third base and 1 out, he grounded into an inning-ending double play.

He proceeded to make errors on two consecutive batters in the bottom of the 10th, which somehow the AL didn't capitalize on. He made another error in the bottom of the 13th, which the AL again didn't capitalize on.

So, despite all he has done this season, and despite that he was at one time a Diamondback, for this one game i have to do this:

Dan Uggla, you have failed at life.

New Feature!

In honor of one of the best sites on the Intrawebs, Fail Blog, i am introducing another new feature on this site called 'You Have Failed At Life'. It will be dedicated to the stupid and moronic in sports, and will join such regular* features as Where You Came From and Weekly Press Conferences. My first dedication will be up shortly, but for now enjoy a couple examples from the Fail Blog website of why i love it so...






* Regular is used loosely...