UPDATE: As you can see in the comments below, the original article i am lambasting here was, indeed, meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Thanks go to Joe Carter, editor at First Things (where the article was originally published), for pointing that out. Read the comments following this article for an interesting discussion on why i was so offended in the first place...
On my Twitter page (see right) this morning was a link from
HHR (great site by the way) to an article written by one Stephen H. Webb on soccer in America. More specifically, how
soccer is ruining America. This article has got me all sorts of fired up, from the absolute ridiculousness of the thesis of his article to the man himself who wrote it. So,
i'm ripping off
KSK, who ripped off the originators, and breaking this article down
FJM (RIP) style...
"Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return."
What exactly about soccer undermines energy? The 5-7 miles they run each game? And what about drive? Last time i checked soccer is the only sport in the world where the only break in action is halftime. No timeouts, no breaks for commercials, no stoppages between plays.
"What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) "
So you like the sound of crashing pins, but not the sound of 30,000 people chanting and singing? As for the golf reference... watching people walking on grass is inherently pleasurable? What pleasure do you derive from that? Do you like watching paint dry also? Soccer has people running on grass! That should be double the excitement right?!
"Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability."
Ahh yes, it's nothing like basketball, where you're not allowed to use your feet. Or you don't use your head. Or chest. Or really anything other than your hands. No enforcing of disabilities there. Oh, and what's with the liberal reference?
"The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low."
Ooohh... I get it, you're a religious
whack job. Now it's starting to make sense...
"Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up."
That's weird because i thought,
as this website states, sporting (and soccer in particular) is about 'the promotion of the game of soccer as a life-long, family oriented activity, that provides for child-parent bonding, team work and friendships, as well as, adequate aerobic exercise.'
Don't see anything in there about 'breaking kids down'...
"We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling."
Uh huh. So because the players are engaged in the game, busy doing things like actually playing the game, they don't chant and are therefore somehow ruining the sport? And the parents, or fans of the game, chanting and singing and cheering is bad for the game? He did say he liked golf, where spectators spend half their time being told to shut the hell up...
"Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair."
That might be the dumbest single phrase
i've ever heard in my entire life. All of Europe is about death and despair? Tell that to Sweden, or Switzerland, or Italy, or Spain. I've heard nice things about those places. Anyone want to place bets on whether or not this author has been to any of those places?
"Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel."
Nice journalism with the vague term 'most', which implies more than 50% of all games end that way. Most games do not, in fact, end in sudden death. Very few games actually end that way. In fact, not a single game in any regular season in any league in the world ends that way.
"And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball..."
So you raise high the game of baseball earlier in your article to fit your needs, then you imply it is a stupid game later in your article. Which is it?
"The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport."
Welcome back Mr.
Whack job, missed you for a few paragraphs there. Are you implying that if soccer were indeed a plot to overthrow America it wouldn't be such a tragedy? I'm pretty sure that's what you just said.
"Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves... It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and
relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting. I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me!"
Just to be clear, you're telling us that the backbone of America is turning to this sport that you claim is ruining America, then you tell us that you openly appreciate the game so your own kids will have exhausted themselves to the point that when you get home you won't have to play with them. Nice parenting there buddy...
"That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family."
And you end your thesis on how soccer is ruining American by admitting that you and your kids get joy from the sport. By the basis of your article, shouldn't you be boycotting going to the games, or even your kids participating in the sport??
Sigh...
Just
for fun, let's take a quick look at the author's bio, courtesy of
Wikipedia. Some highlights include (my thoughts in italics):
- Webb graduated from Wabash College in 1983, earned his
Ph.D. at the University of Chicago, and has been teaching at Wabash College as Professor of Religion and Philosophy since 1988.
- He co-founded the Christian Vegetarian Association, but was removed from his position as co-chairman in 2006 after writing several articles in which he admitted to eating meat occasionally, while promoting vegetarianism.
Umm, seems a bit hypocritical to me.- He grew up at
Englewood Christian Church, an evangelical church in the Restoration Movement. He joined the Disciples of Christ during graduate school but soon became disenchanted with their theological direction. He was briefly a Lutheran, and spent several months considering the Roman Catholic Church.
Fence hop much?- His vision of a non-dogmatic and non-legalistic vegetarianism linked to traditional biblical principles rather than the pantheism of the New Age movement or the abdication of human uniqueness entailed in animal rights legislation has been controversial in both theological and philosophical circles. Him? Controversial?
I would have never guessed...I'm not here to force anyone into loving soccer. You like it or you don't, i get that. I happen to love it, but i grew up playing it. I love the constant action, the back and forth nature of the game, the buildup and anticipation in preparation for few payoffs.
If you don't like it, fine. Ignore it, don't pay attention to. But don't write a ridiculous article on how the sport is ruining America, comparing it to Communism and death and despair. It just makes you look stupid.
